I can’t believe it’s been over a year since I last blogged. I guess I’ve been bogged down with other things and just didn’t think of it. This morning opening the book I use to write my morning pages in, which is dark blue with the words ‘make a mark’ embossed so gently I can hardly make them out under the energy efficient lamp above my bed, I started to write about Rainy days and Mondays. It is raining and it is Monday. The song by the Carpenters that I sang along to in my teens has a chorus ‘Rainy days and Mondays always get me down’. They don’t always get me down but lately I’ve been thinking about feelings. Carpenter sings about sadness, the kind of sadness for no reason also called the ‘Blues’. Tragically Karen died from Anorexia aged just 32 and there’s so much more support and understanding for sufferers now.
I’ve been listening to a book by Susan Cain called Bittersweet, I wanted to buy it but a good friend who recommended it, suggested I listen to it. It is soothing, stimulating and fascinating. I’ve been needing acknowledgment that how I feel is a normal. Even though I know this inside out I still need reminding because feelings can be so powerful they can shock us when they happen. I know I’m sensitive, I always have been. I can’t watch a theatre encore without crying, or a concert, music and art often make me cry as does human suffering which is everywhere. Interestingly I’m very good at acting in a calmer, more analytic way when working with people professionally; I never cry when they do or struggle when they share painful thoughts, it makes me feel more respect and love for them as humans. My friends rarely see this side of me and I am sure they’re incredulous that clients ever get a word in edgeways, but they do, they really do.
My main challenge this past year has been navigating transitions, husband retiring, youngest leaving for university, puppy in the home, a month long residency, leaving a mentorship programme, parental accidents, daughter preparing to get married. Going through everything in our home and organising what is precious or necessary and culling what isn’t has also been emotionally charged. I’ve not painted since I came back from Cyprus. I have drawn though; strange shape scapes I can’t quite make sense of. I am making marks and thinking about larger work.
Today I plan to make a start back to painting but to be honest it feels so much harder than plunging myself into cold water, I’m too tentative yet I have everything I need. The painter Philip Guston says “When you’re in the studio painting, there are a lot of people in there with you - your teachers, friends, painters from history, critics…and one by one if you’re really painting they walk out. And if you’re really painting YOU walk out.” So i’m hoping to walk in and quickly walk out again whilst staying there.
I went to view a studio a short way from home last Monday, I was excited at the prospect of going back to work outside. It wasn’t to be. Affordable space for artists are really hard to come by but it was a distraction, I have somewhere I can paint and something will come up eventually I hope, maybe somewhere bigger.
As I write this my mobile pings, a comment on social media from one of my past mentors, another nudge to get back to it. I have so much rich material to read through again, that’s the beauty of Turps Banana Correspondence Course . It was a game changer for me but the game still needs more change.
It’s still raining, I would recommend Bittersweet though and if you want to listen to Karen here she is Rainy Days and Mondays .
One of my recent sketchbook pages.